Break before Radiotherapy

So…I’ve made it through chemotherapy. I can’t actually believe that it’s all over. Here’s hoping… praying… that I never have to go through that again. After the last infusion, I’m out of the chemo tunnel and starting to build myself back up again, which I’ve got 2 more weeks to continuing doing before radiotherapy starts. They don’t give you a huge amount of time to get yourself together before the next treatment. There’s were days recently when I couldn’t quite believe that I still have 3 weeks of treatment to get through, but as I start to get stronger I have more of a feeling of strength moving into this next phase.

I know it’s not going to be easy but I’ve got a feeling that it won’t be as tough as chemotherapy. Apparently, radiotherapy on its own doesn’t come with a huge amount of known side effects. It’s more the cumulative effect of surgery, then chemo and now radiotherapy that is tough on the body. Tiredness and skin soreness are the main side effects from radiotherapy itself. You can get extreme exhaustion, but as with everything, it depends on the person, and I’ve had that already with chemo already, so if it comes, I’ve just got to go with it, like with everything else.

So we’ll be in Brighton for the 3 weeks of treatment, in October (we’ve sorted a place to stay…whoop whoop!). Although I’ve got to go through radiotherapy, in some respects I’m quite looking forward to being in Brighton. It means a change of scenery for that time, which I feel I really need. (Plus, the Brighton Comedy Festival is on, so if I’m not feeling too whacked from radiotherapy I might be able to go and have a giggle for a bit). For much of chemotherapy I’ve been cooped up at our cottage. However beautiful our place is, too much of it, especially during testing times, has been hard going.

It’s funny how I can’t stop thinking about ‘what next’. Well, not funny really, probably quite natural. Having spent the last year ‘being ill’ all I can think about is how I’m going to spend my time when I’m better. The trouble is, there’s no way of knowing how long it will take me to recover from all of this, so the truth is, it’s pretty pointless planning anything at this stage. That doesn’t seem to stop my mind getting busy and making attempts to make grand plans. It’s just going to take a period of patience though, being kind to myself and allowing myself that time to heal. It’ll be interesting, when my energy starts to return, trying to strike that balance between finding things to get involved in but not overdoing it either… and not getting frustrated in the process. Anyway, we’ll see… All will be revealed.

Final push

It’s the day before my last chemotherapy and spirits seem to be up again. I managed to get through that wee low patch...I may well have another before this all draws to an end (quite likely I guess), but what I’m learning through all of this is to try to be ok, however hard that is, with whatever comes. Trying, with all the energy that I have, to stay present with what is, in each and every moment. As I think I’ve said before, the problems always always seem way worse when I look ahead and feel that fear, or look back and feel the pain of what was. Sometimes it feels close to impossible but in fact the concept is very simple - for this last bit (and I guess it’s a lesson for forever more as well) the real test is to stay in the now.

I can’t say I’m looking forward to doing this again but I know if I can stay present with every moment (or with as many moments as I possibly can) the next couple of weeks will be the most manageable they possibly can be.

My main distraction during the hardest times, or when I’m in pain, (as I said in another blog - I know this is a bit of shock to those that know my film watching habits (or lack of them)) is watching films. Sometimes one after the other, just to take my mind of things. So, if anyone’s got any film recommendations or ability to lend me any (comedy of some sort, although I’m not so into slapstick) - laughing seems to be my medicine much of the time - that would be gratefully received.

My other favour to ask you all is if anyone knows of any places that might be available in Brighton in October. I’ve got radiotherapy Monday to Friday, every day, for 3 weeks starting on Wed 8th Oct until Tues 28th Oct - and the commute from Wadhurst every day there and back is too long. Any thoughts/ideas would, again, be gratefully received.

So...this is indeed the final push, for the chemotherapy at least. Then after radiotherapy the focus will be on getting back to health - in body, and in mind. I’ve noticed my confidence and self-esteem have dropped quite a lot through this process. I think that’s largely to do with the drastic changes I have undergone in my appearance. I feel like physical layers have been stripped back and I’m not being left with a huge amount here...externally at least. I’m being told otherwise by the people around me but it’s a very real feeling in my world nonetheless. Many of the features that I thought defined who I am are no longer there.

Obviously the surgery has left me with permanent changes and the chemotherapy more with temporary changes (I’m talking on the level of appearance here). Either way, it is forcing me more and more into a journey of trying (again, it feels very difficult, if not close to impossible) to find, and focus on, an inner beauty instead. Not an easy lesson, but one i have had no choice but to try and embrace.

We know that the physical is a constantly changing thing so I know it’s a good lesson to have because changes are going to happen whether we like it or not. We can’t always have the same physical appearance as we go through life. I guess it’s just that some people go through changes faster, and more dramatically, than others. Sometimes that’s hard for me to get my head around, and I feel rather affected by the changes that I have gone through, and am still going through. On the other hand, however, I know that with a little bit of hard work I do have it in me to work through it. It’s just going to take some time, effort and awareness.

Ok, I’ll leave it there for now, as I sit here munching on my new favourite ice cream – it’s AMAZING for anyone that’s interested and the name is bizarrely fitting, not to mention that it fits all my dietary requirements – ‘Boojah-Boojah’ Hunky Puncky Chocolate ice cream – dairy free, gluten free, sugar free AND YUUUUMMY! Sending you all heap loads of love and, as ever, I’ll post when I re-emerge from the sixth and final chemo tunnel. Booyah de booyah xxx

A quick check-in

Articulating how I’m feeling at this stage in the process isn’t easy. A big part of me doesn’t want to communicate at all then the other part of me knows that it’s important, if nothing else, to let you all know that I’m doing ok. As ever, I very much appreciate the emails, phone calls, strength and love coming my way. All of that feels like a very important part of me being able to keep gathering the strength to get through this. I’m sorry to everyone that has attempted to call, who has asked to chat or who has wanted to come and visit – from my closest friends and family to all those wonderful people that I haven’t been in touch with for a while. I’m just keeping my head down and focusing on getting through this... which, as you know, is no easy task. Some people like to do this kind of thing surrounded by people but as most of you can probably see I prefer to just get on with it and do it quietly. I know that that’s not easy for some of you who would prefer that I was in touch but I guess that was the reason I have this blog – to communicate a little bit of my process even though I’m not seeing most people face-to-face.

The last chemo was better than the previous one. I didn’t have any reaction whilst I was being given the infusion and I haven’t been in hospital (yet!) this cycle so things are looking good. I’m taking longer to recover each cycle, which is a real challenge and the truth is it’s hard not to get low but I’m managing to keep afloat and that’s the most important thing. Only one more cycle to go (on the 10^th Sept), a 4 or 5 week break after that and then radiotherapy.

That’s about all for now – just wanted to let you know I’m still pushing on through…big love x