It’s all just a bit too much to explain, so perhaps easier not to…but then I think that it is worth explaining, because it’s a crazy journey apart from anything else that should be documented, but I don’t have the explanation for all the things that are going on, so I guess that makes me feel ‘unsafe’ when explaining things to ‘the outside world’. Obviously it’s easier if I’m able to say ‘this is why I’m feeling this and this is why I’m feeling that, but all of this is unknown territory to me, as much as it is you. I don’t have any explanations for each of the feelings I’m experiencing. All I have is the physical and emotional (and sometimes when I’m feeling deep enough, the spiritual) to share. That makes me feel vulnerable because I want to be able to say something along the lines of “yes, this is just the body’s way of detoxifying and healing, so don’t worry, I’m just going through that process and I’ll be fine. But I don’t know that for sure. That’s just what I hope.
The important thing for me in all of this is that I step into that mindset of believing…really believing on a deeper level that I’m healing. That’s the only way it can happen. But there’s something that I haven’t quite figured out yet – there’s still something that stopping me believing. I’m almost there but I know I’m missing a link at the mo. It’s like I can feel I’m getting closer to the ‘key’. It’s as if some conditioning from way back is stopping me… so, I’m working with a few different techniques and people to see if I can unlock this ‘code’. Gees, it sounds cryptic. If I can see it as something fun, a game, something light, it would be better than a ticking time bomb, which generates fear. But that’s difficult in itself. I don’t really see it as fun. I just want the luxury of being one of those people that really sincerely believes that I can do this. Because I know that they are the ones that cure themselves. So, I pray and I hope each day that grace will give me that.
There’s a lot of fear coming up at the moment, which I know is also part of all of this. I have to be true to what comes and let it be there, not get too caught up in it, but just let it be. It’s all part of this incredible, crazy ass, journey.
I’m also feeling a lot fire, but I guess that’s a good thing too. It’s all there for a reason…to burn all this nasty stuff. The truth is, at the moment, I don’t really feel like myself. I had a session yesterday and acknowledged that I’m not only trying to re-programme my mind in many ways, but my whole body is actually in a state of re-programming, of flux, on a physical level. I’m trying to change my body round into a state of positivity, of alkalinity, of strong white blood cells, of immunity, of health and healing, of joy, of love, of yummy yummy deliciousness, oozing only good things. Hehe… you get the gist…
I feel like the steroids are making me a bit wild in amongst all of that though, so that’s a challenge. Wowzers, they’re strong pills – big face, spots, mood swings, joint pains, you name it – they do it. In fact, I’m pretty sure that that’s where a lot of this seemingly “un-Betsy” fire is coming from. Bless Zac, who’s on the receiving end of it. Eeek.
Wow, just acknowledging as I’m writing that this blog is actually rather challenging to write. I feel like I don’t want to tell you all exactly what’s going on, but at the same time I feel like I don’t want to not tell you, because this is me. It’s the reality of it all. This is my journey. And it’s my truth. But truth can be scary. I guess it doesn’t have to be though. It just is what it is. But maybe this journey is about vulnerability, initially anyway. Standing in this space of “difference”, of the unknown, of what I believe in. Letting you all know how things are at the moment without any answers, without the rose-tinted lenses. I guess that’s all I have. I don’t have reassurance to give you at this stage. Just what is. I guess it makes us all a bit vulnerable – the ‘un-knowingness’ of it all. Life’s way of teaching us a bit about ourselves I guess. Sending massif love to all you soldiers xxx
