Onwards

I’m not quite sure how but somehow Round 5 is already upon me. Unfortunately, during the first 10 days after chemo, much of the time I’m praying for the days to end, just trying to breathe through challenging moment after challenging moment. Then those tough 10 days or so come to an end and I start to enjoy myself again then time just flies by and before I know it it’s the weekend before the Wednesday’s chemo once again. It’s great, on the one hand, that time is passing quickly because the light at the end of the tunnel feels more within reach, but it’s hard that the next chemo round is always upon me when I’ve only had a wee taster of what it’s like to feel vaguely normal again.

This weekend that’s just passed though was totally lovely. It’s been Hazey’s birthday and we went camping for the weekend. Well, I say “we” went camping. I didn’t. As the weekend approached I got quite a strong feeling that now wasn’t the time to be taking any risks with getting too cold or dirty, or anything like that. With the amount that I’ve been in hospital it’s pretty obvious that my body hasn’t got much, if anything, to protect itself at the moment. So I joined in with the happy campers and all the camping activity – bonfires, barbeques, hanging out at the campsite etc etc – and then went to the B&B at the other end of the campsite to sleep.

The challenge with going away at the moment is that I need to always be fairly close to the hospital in case I get a temperature so it was great going away somewhere that was only about half an hour away. And better still, I got to hang out with my nieces and nephews, even though most of the time it was at a distance because of coughs, colds and bugs that were flying round. It was such a lovely weekend and so nice to have ‘had a break’ – whatever that means… I think it just means having had a change of scenery. Kind of important when I’m home bound much of the time.

So… this is my fifth chemotherapy coming up, out the 6 in total. It sounds like it’s near the end…and it is, but as I think I’ve said before, it still feels like a hard slog to the end. It’s by no means over yet.

I had a PICC line “installed” into my arm a week or so ago, which makes the chemotherapy access easier. As I’ve had lymph nodes out in my right arm that arm is out of use so all my treatment, blood tests, injections etc have all been done through my left arm. The veins have just about given up – they’re very irritated and sore and the nurses haven’t been having much luck using them for anything any more. So I didn’t really have much of a choice but to get this line put in. It’ll stay there now until the end so I don’t have to be a pin cushion any more but can instead just have one line that they use for everything. So although I don’t exactly love having it in my arm (in fact, it’s a pain in the arse) it’ll make the chemotherapy session itself (and blood tests etc) easier on the system.

I feel pretty confident, now that we know that I react to the chemotherapy when it’s given too fast, that I won’t have another funny turn this time round. It will be given to me over a longer period of time. So I’m not too worried about that. Can’t say I’m looking forward to the aches and pains because that’s really really tough. But I’ve got some strong painkillers up my sleeve, so I’m very much hoping they will have some effect. So now I’ve just got to take a deep breath, be brave, and go for it again. As the woman said who owned the B&B at the weekend “just remember, if it’s making you feel that bad imagine what it’s doing to the cancer cells”. So I’ve just got to remember that…and be thankful.

Roller Coaster

I’ve been waiting to get my peak energy and inspiration in order to post my next blog but unfortunately these days peak energy isn’t such a peak and I guess it’s more important to post and let you guys know I’m alive and kickin’ instead of waiting for that moment of energy that might not happen.

The last 10 days have been a bit of a roller coaster to say the least. This chemo thing is getting harder. I had my last cycle a week ago on Wednesday – I mentioned in my last post that it was a new chemotherapy, so in total I do three of one type and three of another type. This one’s vicious. I’d only had 20ml of it on a drip before my body decided to have a funny turn. Well, it wasn’t exactly funny. Quite scary in fact. After a few minutes of being on the drip I felt this intense heat rise from my chest up my body to my head. As it passed my chest it felt like everything was closing up and when it got to my head the heat was so intense it felt like my head was going to drop off. I waved for the nurse and they stopped the chemo and gave me oxygen and all was ok. To cut a long story (and a long day!) short, it wasn’t an allergic reaction. Apparently, it was fairly normal (well, a lucky 1 in every 10) and all they needed to do was slow the chemo drip down. When the doctor said this it took a HUGE amount to trust that what he saying was right because from my point of view it felt like something life threatening. And he was suggesting just giving me half an hour or so’s break and then getting started again. But somehow I managed to trust, and he was right. Whilst I was having chemo attempt 2, because I’d had a tough ride that day, I got a foot massage from the lovely Anne on the ward who goes round making people feel better with her massages. So amongst all the mayhem that was a nice treat.

The next couple of days were fine and there’s me thinking “wow, so I had a pretty tough ride that day but looks like I’ve got it all out the way” because compared to the other chemo cycles there was no fog or hungover feeling or anything like that on Days 2 and 3. Then Saturday came and boy did that change. Firstly I started to get achy bones and joints. By Saturday night it was becoming unbearable and by Sunday morning I’m in hospital with a fever. Apparently the achy body is “just” a side effect of the chemo but the high fever is what they worry about because the body doesn’t have an immune system to bounce back with. So I spent the weekend in hospital feeling pretty rotten. The achiness subsided yesterday, after what felt like an absolute marathon. Being in that much pain for such a long time is intense on every level. Even though energy levels aren’t so high right now I’m just so thankful to be out of it…well, it looks like that’s the case anyway.

Unfortunately I’ve got to go through that achiness twice more. But they’ve now given me pain killers which I can start taking in advance of the next chemo to pre-empt it, and otherwise it’s just a case of ploughing on through.

I suddenly remembered the other day the oncologist in New Zealand (who was suggesting the same chemotherapies for me if I was to have it over there) saying that the chemo’s they were going to give me were the strongest and harshest “because she knows I’m strong and fit enough to handle it”. (I think at the time she wished she hadn’t said that because on hearing it there was no chance that I’d be saying yes to chemo. No way). Anyway, later on down the track I went for the chemotherapy option and forgot about what she’d said. Well, I knew it was going to be hard but I guess until you experience something you have no experiential concept of what that actually means. And now I do. It’s the hardest thing by a long shot that I’ve had to put my body through. Keeping my head above water and staying positive in that 10 day marathon is a challenge to say the least…but I’m getting there slowly but surely.

So, as I said, it looks like I’m out the other side of this one and I’ve got 2 more to go. I’ve now got both Kate (otherwise known as the LAM – the “Look After Machine”) and Zac playing “looking after” tag team and they’re both the most amazing amazing support that I could ever have hoped for. So I’m a pretty lucky girl really. And now that I’m through this one, it feels like it’s manageable. Wow, it’s going to be incredible when all this is over…