Onwards

I’m not quite sure how but somehow Round 5 is already upon me. Unfortunately, during the first 10 days after chemo, much of the time I’m praying for the days to end, just trying to breathe through challenging moment after challenging moment. Then those tough 10 days or so come to an end and I start to enjoy myself again then time just flies by and before I know it it’s the weekend before the Wednesday’s chemo once again. It’s great, on the one hand, that time is passing quickly because the light at the end of the tunnel feels more within reach, but it’s hard that the next chemo round is always upon me when I’ve only had a wee taster of what it’s like to feel vaguely normal again.

This weekend that’s just passed though was totally lovely. It’s been Hazey’s birthday and we went camping for the weekend. Well, I say “we” went camping. I didn’t. As the weekend approached I got quite a strong feeling that now wasn’t the time to be taking any risks with getting too cold or dirty, or anything like that. With the amount that I’ve been in hospital it’s pretty obvious that my body hasn’t got much, if anything, to protect itself at the moment. So I joined in with the happy campers and all the camping activity – bonfires, barbeques, hanging out at the campsite etc etc – and then went to the B&B at the other end of the campsite to sleep.

The challenge with going away at the moment is that I need to always be fairly close to the hospital in case I get a temperature so it was great going away somewhere that was only about half an hour away. And better still, I got to hang out with my nieces and nephews, even though most of the time it was at a distance because of coughs, colds and bugs that were flying round. It was such a lovely weekend and so nice to have ‘had a break’ – whatever that means… I think it just means having had a change of scenery. Kind of important when I’m home bound much of the time.

So… this is my fifth chemotherapy coming up, out the 6 in total. It sounds like it’s near the end…and it is, but as I think I’ve said before, it still feels like a hard slog to the end. It’s by no means over yet.

I had a PICC line “installed” into my arm a week or so ago, which makes the chemotherapy access easier. As I’ve had lymph nodes out in my right arm that arm is out of use so all my treatment, blood tests, injections etc have all been done through my left arm. The veins have just about given up – they’re very irritated and sore and the nurses haven’t been having much luck using them for anything any more. So I didn’t really have much of a choice but to get this line put in. It’ll stay there now until the end so I don’t have to be a pin cushion any more but can instead just have one line that they use for everything. So although I don’t exactly love having it in my arm (in fact, it’s a pain in the arse) it’ll make the chemotherapy session itself (and blood tests etc) easier on the system.

I feel pretty confident, now that we know that I react to the chemotherapy when it’s given too fast, that I won’t have another funny turn this time round. It will be given to me over a longer period of time. So I’m not too worried about that. Can’t say I’m looking forward to the aches and pains because that’s really really tough. But I’ve got some strong painkillers up my sleeve, so I’m very much hoping they will have some effect. So now I’ve just got to take a deep breath, be brave, and go for it again. As the woman said who owned the B&B at the weekend “just remember, if it’s making you feel that bad imagine what it’s doing to the cancer cells”. So I’ve just got to remember that…and be thankful.