Roller Coaster

I’ve been waiting to get my peak energy and inspiration in order to post my next blog but unfortunately these days peak energy isn’t such a peak and I guess it’s more important to post and let you guys know I’m alive and kickin’ instead of waiting for that moment of energy that might not happen.

The last 10 days have been a bit of a roller coaster to say the least. This chemo thing is getting harder. I had my last cycle a week ago on Wednesday – I mentioned in my last post that it was a new chemotherapy, so in total I do three of one type and three of another type. This one’s vicious. I’d only had 20ml of it on a drip before my body decided to have a funny turn. Well, it wasn’t exactly funny. Quite scary in fact. After a few minutes of being on the drip I felt this intense heat rise from my chest up my body to my head. As it passed my chest it felt like everything was closing up and when it got to my head the heat was so intense it felt like my head was going to drop off. I waved for the nurse and they stopped the chemo and gave me oxygen and all was ok. To cut a long story (and a long day!) short, it wasn’t an allergic reaction. Apparently, it was fairly normal (well, a lucky 1 in every 10) and all they needed to do was slow the chemo drip down. When the doctor said this it took a HUGE amount to trust that what he saying was right because from my point of view it felt like something life threatening. And he was suggesting just giving me half an hour or so’s break and then getting started again. But somehow I managed to trust, and he was right. Whilst I was having chemo attempt 2, because I’d had a tough ride that day, I got a foot massage from the lovely Anne on the ward who goes round making people feel better with her massages. So amongst all the mayhem that was a nice treat.

The next couple of days were fine and there’s me thinking “wow, so I had a pretty tough ride that day but looks like I’ve got it all out the way” because compared to the other chemo cycles there was no fog or hungover feeling or anything like that on Days 2 and 3. Then Saturday came and boy did that change. Firstly I started to get achy bones and joints. By Saturday night it was becoming unbearable and by Sunday morning I’m in hospital with a fever. Apparently the achy body is “just” a side effect of the chemo but the high fever is what they worry about because the body doesn’t have an immune system to bounce back with. So I spent the weekend in hospital feeling pretty rotten. The achiness subsided yesterday, after what felt like an absolute marathon. Being in that much pain for such a long time is intense on every level. Even though energy levels aren’t so high right now I’m just so thankful to be out of it…well, it looks like that’s the case anyway.

Unfortunately I’ve got to go through that achiness twice more. But they’ve now given me pain killers which I can start taking in advance of the next chemo to pre-empt it, and otherwise it’s just a case of ploughing on through.

I suddenly remembered the other day the oncologist in New Zealand (who was suggesting the same chemotherapies for me if I was to have it over there) saying that the chemo’s they were going to give me were the strongest and harshest “because she knows I’m strong and fit enough to handle it”. (I think at the time she wished she hadn’t said that because on hearing it there was no chance that I’d be saying yes to chemo. No way). Anyway, later on down the track I went for the chemotherapy option and forgot about what she’d said. Well, I knew it was going to be hard but I guess until you experience something you have no experiential concept of what that actually means. And now I do. It’s the hardest thing by a long shot that I’ve had to put my body through. Keeping my head above water and staying positive in that 10 day marathon is a challenge to say the least…but I’m getting there slowly but surely.

So, as I said, it looks like I’m out the other side of this one and I’ve got 2 more to go. I’ve now got both Kate (otherwise known as the LAM – the “Look After Machine”) and Zac playing “looking after” tag team and they’re both the most amazing amazing support that I could ever have hoped for. So I’m a pretty lucky girl really. And now that I’m through this one, it feels like it’s manageable. Wow, it’s going to be incredible when all this is over…